Due to a failure of the world credit markets, increasing prices for fuel and commodities, and the possibility of a global recession, Americans are facing the foreclosure of their homes in record numbers this year. McCain and Obama have both introduced plans to alleviate the concerns of homeowners, but McCain has taken this plan one step further.
“A lot of politicians are focusing on the Americans who are unable to make their mortgage payment this month,” McCain said, “but no one is talking about the Americans who can’t afford to make their Hummer payment or to fill their Hummer’s gas tank. These are my constituents, greedy hard-working American assholes, and I am here to help these scumbags.”
Under McCain’s ambitious new plan, the treasury would buy all of the Hummers in the United States at full blue book value. “We are going to get this awful burden off of the American people’s shoulders,” McCain said, “And while I am at it, I am going to use these Hummers to fight the Wars on Terror in Iraq, Afghanistan, and to initiate my planned invasion of Iran in 2009.”
“Not only will our troops have the best vehicles to exterminate terrorists and insurgents with, they will also have some great new features in their combat battallions, such as leather seats, CD player with iPod compatibility, air conditioning, 25-inch chrome wheels with spinny disks, and TV sets in the headrests,” McCain said.”Our troops will be better equipped on the ground and will be better prepared to wage the most comfortable, luxurious never-ending wars in World history.”
Just ’cause I drive an Aveo doesn’t mean I’m not a greedy, hard-working American asshole.